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During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question.
She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed
that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It
depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered,
"How do you know?"
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Let me answer this question because the chances are good that
it's weighing on your mind. Here's the answer.
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EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in
love with your spouse / partner. You anticipated their call,
wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies
(unconventional behavior/habit).
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Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a
completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have
to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love. Because
it's happening TO YOU.
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People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think
about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were
just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came
along and happened TO YOU.
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Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria (excitement) of
love fades.
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It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely,
phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not
always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's
idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
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The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if
you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic
difference between the initial stage when you were in love and
a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
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At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I
marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on
the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire
that experience with someone else. This is when marriages
breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness
and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
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Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity
is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a
hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
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But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your
marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall
in love with someone else. You could.
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And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same
situation a few years later. Listen carefully to this because:
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THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE
RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU
FOUND.
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SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience.
It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love.
You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have
the expression, "the labor of love." Because it takes time,
effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM.
You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
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Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are
specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to
succeed with your marriage.
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Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as
gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right
diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger,
certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage
stronger.
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It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws,
the results are predictable, you can "make" love. Love in
marriage is indeed a "decision", not just a feeling. Remember
this always:
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"God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to
decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who
you refuse to let go."
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